Thursday, April 23, 2015

What's Next?

I promised to set out my feelings and what my future plans will be about a week ago. It has taken me this long to actually feel like writing anything. The disappointment in this aborted trip has been very bitter and the storm in my mind has been a raging force that won't be conquered for a while. It will take a some time for the pain to subside.

The turmoil will get better, but right now, seeing that I would still have enough time to accomplish a thru hike if I just got back out there, this arouses feelings of panic. I could still make it, I tell myself, but of course, with these feet, I know that isn't true. So sometimes I have to just concentrate on breathing right now to get through the next hour.
 
I think I also fear that people are saying that they knew I couldn't make it. I don't know any of my friends who would say that to my face, but that fear is there none the less. I could have made it, hiking 20 miles on extremely painful feet proved that to me. The rest of my body and my mental attitude was just fine, I just couldn't get those stubborn feet to get with the program.
 
 
Now as I try to look ahead into the future, I can see glimpses of hope that life will be better again. My plans call for becoming a puppy raiser for Guide Dogs for the Blind as soon as possible. There is nothing like a good puppy fix to heal a broken heart.
 
I may also try my hand at writing. I have an idea for a novel running through my head, and I really enjoy blogging, so why not take this time that I have right now, and see what I can do with it in terms of making money writing. I don't have to start looking for work until June, we'll have to see what becomes of this. I am a little hesitant about getting started, I have never tried it before. But it may just be the balm that soothes the pain.

I really struggle with the concept of why would God allow me to go ahead with my plans for a thru hike, knowing that I wouldn't be able to accomplish it. He could have shut every door, yet all the obstacles were being flung aside, one by one. I don't have the answer to this, probably no one does. I do know these things though:
 
 1) Lego has needed me to be home these past few weeks. He has pain that makes him wonder if life is even worth trying for. I had some doubts of his ability to cope without me for the summer, but he insisted he would be all right. I thought he could, or I would never have attempted this trip. Turns out my being home has been a blessing for him.
 
2) For whatever reason this has all happened, I know there has been a purpose. If I could see my life from beginning to the end, I would see that this preparation and disappointment will have been a blessing to me and those around me, and I would not want it any other way in the grand scheme of things.
 
3) In no way do I blame God for the pain and embarrassment. Whatever mistakes or confusion were made was solely on my part; God doesn't make mistakes. Everything has been for a purpose that extends way beyond me.
 
So no, I don't have all the answers, I do know that God is still in control, and I am O.K. with that.
 
My mom has given me the go ahead to attempt another thru hike if I choose and not hold me to my promise I made earlier. Will I sometime in the future? I may, but I will have to get my feet healed first, definitely get some weight off my body, and figure out how to finance it again. I could just take temporary jobs so I would be free when the call of the trail strikes again. And of course Lego would have to be in control of his pain.
I will keep a journal again, but I may not post it until after I get started on the trail. I would invite you to become invested in my hike, only after I have succeeded in making a few miles.
 
As the sun sets on my attempt this year, I feel that all hope is not yet lost and that is a good thing. The trail still runs through my dreams, literally, and I have plans for the immediate future. Life is both good and dreary, as it has been since the beginning of time.
Thank you for reading, supporting me, and for your many prayers. See you down the trail!

No comments:

Post a Comment